


Put your hands into the fire

by silverisararermetalthangold



Series: I'll walk through the fire to find my way back to you [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: (sort of), Angst, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Happy Magnus Bane, Hurt Alec Lightwood, M/M, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, Very angst, Worried Isabelle Lightwood, Worried Jace Wayland
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 14:46:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14083251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverisararermetalthangold/pseuds/silverisararermetalthangold
Summary: sequel of "I just died in your arms tonight"Alec is back at the loft, but the memories are too much weight to bear.





	Put your hands into the fire

**Author's Note:**

> well, hello again with the second one shot of this series!  
> warning: it will angsty, very angsty (the best that i could) 
> 
> this time the inspiring song was "into the fire", the cover that was on Grey's anatomy on season 11.  
> listen to it, really, it mirrors Alec's sadness perfectly.

**Two weeks after**

 

 

“Let me go home, I’m tired to stay here!” Alec was shouting while Isabelle and Jace were trying to calm him down.

Clary and Catarina were looking at Alec feeling powerless; it was not the first time in those two weeks that Alec shouted to jace and Izzy, to let him go home.

Lydia and the shadowhunters were used to it since it happened almost every day in the last week.

But seeing their leader in a coma for two days, and then so broken and angry for the loss of his lover that they grew to like, was a hard sight to get used to.

They were all worried about Alec, even when he was in coma there were so many shadowhunters that wanted to know about their leader’s condition.

Right now, Alec just wanted to feel Magnus, to feel his smell into the pillows, to see him in every little detail of the loft, from the photo on the wall on their trip to Japan to the colorful, eccentric and elegant shirt in the wardrobe.

He just wanted to try to fill the big hole left in his heart almost two weeks ago.

Alec's arm was still badly burned – not as bad as two weeks ago -, but still covered in bandages and cured everyday by Catarina and Brother Enoch, the flames still a mystery.

Of course, Alec had wanted to do research on the portal, on the flames, on the sulfur's smell and on Sebastian/Jonatan;

Sometimes Catarina had found him asleep, his bed covered in books brought from the squad under his order and thousands of notes.

The first time Catarina heard Alec calling Magnus’s loft home her heart melt a little.

She liked this Shadowhunter; she liked the way he treated Magnus, not as a warlock or a downworlder but as a person first.

After seeing Magnus’s heart being broken century after century, she was happy that finally Magnus found his person or soulmate, as she liked to think, and learned how to love and be loved again.

She was awaken by the raised voices in front of her.

"You're still badly injured Alec! You can't do many things without help for now, you still have some bruises and the arm is still badly burned! We just want to help you get healed completely so we can find a solution and take them back to us-"

Jace was shouting back at Alec very dramatically, noted Clary; he was probably tired as much as Alec was.

"So I’m just supposed to stay in bed all day doing nothing while Magnus could be oh I don’t know...TORTURED BY THAT FUCKING SEBASTIAN?!"

Clary looked down with guilt, he was her brother after all, and she was thinking that all of this was her fault.

Catarina put a hand on her shoulder sweetly and shook her head slowly.

"I don't want to see you hurt more that you already are! I just don't want to see you suffer in the loft.."  Jace whispered the last sentence sitting on the bed, exhausted for all the past weeks' shouting with Alec.

"I-I need to go home...please I-I miss him" Alec hide a sob and looked down on his flinched sheet in his hand.

He felt both of Alec's pain, mental and physical through the bond and admired Alec strength when the next day after he woke up he had found him already with books in his hands.

 

Izzy, silent until that moment, sighed heavily.

"Okay"

Both men looked up to her.

“What?”

“What?”

"We'll let you go home, but before dinner we will be at the loft to help you and we will take turns to watch over you and help you. I won't change any of that, so if you want to go home accept this or I swear I’ll slap you right here in front of everyone"

"…thank you Iz"

His lips trembled and Izzy hugged him trying to calm him a little.

It was going to be a very long week.

After an hour, he was ready and portaled with Catarina's help in front of the palace.

 

Alec was in front of the palace now.

He found out that maybe he wasn’t going to get through all the memories that the loft contained.

He took a long breathe and entered the doors.

**“Come on, come on**

**Put your hands into the fire**

**Explain, explain**

**As I turn, I meet the power”**

 

Alec was walking up the stairs slowly, the good hand on the handrail for a better balance; his right ankle, still hurt, was making Alec hobble and his archery arm was still covered in bandages and wrapped with a band around his neck.

He was concentrated on putting a feet in front of the other without falling on the floor;

His movements slow and melancholic, his shoulders seemed to drop onto all the pain he was feeling, his eyes even sadder.

Even the outside of the loft seemed sorrowful like Alec; the walls were colorless, the windows looked like dimmed, the lights were dark and a little broken.

Nothing was shining like usual, like when Magnus was still here with his magic to cheer all the air around him.

However, all of this was a mirror to Alec, to the Shadowhunter and his empty heart.

After a few minutes he finally reached the loft’s home and stopped;

There he was, Alec was exactly where he had wanted to be for days, but now he thought of going back to the institute.

He was sure he was going to have a breakdown the second he would put the first step into the apartment.

Alec closed his eyes, took a very long breath and opened the door.

 

 

 

**“This time, this time**

**Turning white and senses dying**

**Pull up, pull up**

**From one extreme to another”**

After one second into the loft, he heard something crashing onto his legs; Chairman Meow and Church were rubbing their heads against the shadowhunter’s legs.

Even if Clary had bring food to him and Church, the cats missed Alec and Magnus like crazy, their eyes were like open books.

**Alec:**

**“Hey you two, have you been good with Clary**?” two little meows escaped from their mouth and Alec lips curled into a tiny smile.

Alec tried to get down to cuddle them but a wave of pain into his back stopped him, he gave a little pat on the cat’s head and then got up as the cats ran to Magnus’ bedroom.

Alec still wasn’t looking at the loft.

He turned to the coat rack and began to drop his long coat with a little difficulty (it was Magnus’; Alec had asked Clary to bring it to him a few days ago) then he proceeded to hang the blue scarf, a gift of Izzy for his first date with Magnus.

There were so much silence here…everything was so different without him.

Alec passed his good hand on the coat and closed his eyes, letting himself drown in the familiar sandalwood scent that Alec learned to love.

 

He took another long breath to compose himself and unglamoured his bow and quiver, leaving them on the doorstep and then slowly turned around.

 

**From the summer to the spring**

**From the mountain to the air**

Seeing their home after so many days made his throat tight.

It was a cloudy day and the loft were grey as the lights outside.

Everything was so _lifeless_ and so hard to look at.

That was the place where it all changed.

The place where they knew each other’s’ names, the flirting, the speech before the non-wedding, their now morning routines, their dinners after work, all the laughs, and the kisses and the mocking about snores and glitter.

It was all in front of Alec’s eyes.

 

_“I’m Magnus, I don’t think we’ve been formally introduced”_

_“Alec”_

He continued to walk through the living room to the kitchen, but all his memories with the warlock seemed to take shape all around him.

 

_“You know I have magic for that right?”_

_“I think you’ve exerted yourself enough for one day”_

_“Drink break?”_

_“To us”_

Alec closed his eyes and clenched his jaw.

He tried not to break or crying, he had to be strong for Magnus, and for himself.

However, all of this looked like a carousel that could not be stopped.

 

 

**“From Samaritan to sin**

**And it's waiting on the air”**

 

 

_“I'm a Shadowhunter._

_This is about family, and tradition, honor...”_

_“Honor?_

_Where's the honor in living a lie?”_

_“What are you talking about?”_

_“What about love?_

_Even Shadowhunters fall in love, Alec.”_

Alec looked at the vivid memory behind him; Magnus was right.

But the fear was stronger than everything else at that time because he lived in that fear, in Jace’s shadow for years, and this type of feeling is one of the most difficult to break down.

He turned around trying to get to the kitchen but all his memories with Magnus continued to take life in front of him.

He walked past the couches when another memory took shape behind him, taking the breath out of him.

 

_"Emotions are never black and white, they’re more like symptoms._

_You lose your breath every time they enter a room._

_Your heart beats faster when they walk by._

_Your skin tingles when they stand close enough to feel their breath."_

 

However, fear can be break.

And Alec found that sparkling second of courage that made him free, braver and more self-conscious of himself as a Shadowhunter, a leader and a lover.

He realized later, that this moment they shared at the loft a few hours before the wedding, was the moment when something clicked in him.

Seeing Magnus crushing his wedding, looking at him and letting in his hands the power to choose to come out or not had been the last piece on the puzzle.

 

_“Good morning”_

_“I’d say the same but looks like you haven’t slept”_

_“Should I be insulted by that?”_

_“No I love that face”_

_[…]_

_“I even gotten used to your adorable little snores”_

_“Ehi I don’t snore”_

_(Magnus imitates Alec’s snores)_

 

 

 

Alec’s eyes began to water thinking of how much their relationship changed in less than a year.

From a scared boy thinking to be in love with his parabatai and convinced that he would never became a leader to a man who became Head of the New York institute in a proud and beautiful relationship with a man that was also a warlock.

Alec wiped away a little tear escaped from his eye with his dark grey sweatshirt’s sleeve and walked toward the kitchen for a glass of water to calm himself.

 

Come on, come on

Put your hands into the fire

Explain, explain

As I turn, I meet the power

 

Alec entered the kitchen almost followed by the ghost of the last memory.

He took a glass and poured some water.

 

_“Fuck why there’s nothing in this fridge? Oh sure because he’s a freakin’ warlock_

_that can summon every food whenever he wants that’s why Alec”_

 

The first breakfast Alec tried to cook for Magnus.

A week ago.

It ended with two-burned piece of toast and an egg on the floor.

He was nervous okay? He never did something like that before and he wanted to be perfect.

Magnus laughed so hard when Alec told him the “breakfast – living hell – trial”;

Once he discovered why it had been so hard to cook since Alec was good at cooking (having done it for years for his siblings) Magnus kissed away the pouting on Alec’s face and the little stripe of chocolate on his cheek until they were a mess of laughter.

 

Now Alec wasn’t laughing.

He was on the verge of crying.

 

_“I usually walked on you in your father’s office, so little and yet so concentrated on drawing with crayons little runes and family pictures”_

_“Aww Alexander the only picture in my head is so adorable”_

_“Okay okay Mom stop embarrassing me in front of my boyfriend”_

_“Oh my dear...I haven’t started to embarrassing you yet...or Magnus”_

_“Me?”_

_“Does a ‘doubtlessly repellent brat’ reminds you anything?”_

 

_“MARYSE NO PLEASE, I COULD SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT IF YOU-“_

_“If my mother what?”_

_“Oh my son, it’s a funny story seeing you two together now as a couple”_

_“Maryse this could cost me endless nights without cuddles or other things much dirtier-“_

_“MAGNUS!”_

_“You don’t want that for you son in law right?”_

_“He once called you like that when you were little”_

_“HE WHAT?”_

_“It was a looooong time ago”_

_[…]_

_“You’ll sleep on the couch tonight”_

_“I love you too my Alexander”_

 

 

Maryse that night told them many stories about little Alec that melted Magnus’ heart piece after piece.

There had been so much laughter and cries of laughter of all tree together that Alec was shocked when he saw Maryse and Magnus laughing at the pictures that his mother was showing to the warlock.

Alec never felt happier.

More laughter came with the repellent brat story, even if Alec was trying to be mad at Magnus his little curve on his lips and their hands entwined were betraying his happiness.

It had been maybe one of the three best night he ever had with two of the most important people for him.

 

_“Are you two allying against me?”_

_“My mother and your boyfriend together…maybe your worst nightmare”_

_“Maybe”_

_[…]_

_“Magnus I…I-I’m sorry for how I treated you in the past; I have to thank you, I never seen my son so happy and free and debonair and so self-conscious-“_

_A tear escaped her eyes and Magnus was shocked at seeing how Maryse Lightwood, member of the Circle, has changed for the love of his son and daughter in less than a year._

_“thank you for loving him with all your heart and soul and thank you for having been by his side in his and yours darkest moments, thank you for not giving up on him and having been by his side when I didn't want to see how much he actually needed me…you’re the best thing that could ever happened to him not only in a romantic way”_

 

 

Remembering the hug between Maryse and Magnus was too much.

However, remembering the look on Magnus face after his mother left the loft was even worse.

Magnus came back after the hug, looked at Alec and let two tears of joy run down his face.

Alec hugged the Warlock smiling the entire time, until they start laughing of pure happiness.

 

**“This time, this time**

**Turning white and senses dying**

**Pull up, pull up**

**From one extreme to another”**

Maybe having wanted to come back at the loft was not a wonderful idea.

Everywhere he looked, he saw him.

But Alec had promised to himself to take the complete package from the relationship with Magnus; the worst and painful sides too.

Alec walked out of the kitchen, his steps directed towards the bedroom.

His legs almost trembled under his physical and mental weight, his back was screaming in pain and his arm was painful again.

Putting the left hand on the wall, he helped himself walking.

Slowly.

Limping a little.

 

He looked himself in the mirror near the bedroom…pale, with scratches and little bruises that he refused to heal, dark circles…he looked like a ghost.

 

 

**“From the summer to the spring**

**From the mountain to the air”**

 

 

He entered the room with the intent of showering, change his clothes and trying to get an hour or two of sleep before Izzy and the others would have come to help him.

He could swear that he heard the sheets moving.

 

 

_“That was graceful”_

_“Shadowhunter”_

His breath hitched in his throat and his eyes widened.

He turned around versus the golden sheets.

The memory disappearing in front of his eyes.

Oh, that sheets.

That golden that for the Shadowhunters has a special meaning.

And it that moment, for Alec was a very special moment.

Not just because it was his first time, but because he was sure he had find his other half.

When the Shadowhunter looked into the warlock’s cat eyes… that, that was the moment.

And, as they started to make love, a little part of his heart whispered to his mind that someday, that color would have been on Magnus body while they would say yes to each other.

 

_“What are you afraid of?”_

_“Acid washed jeans.”_

 

He already missed him like air.

Remembering this joke made Alec’s heart tightening in sadness but his lips curled in a little smile as his mind reminded him the time in Milan when Magnus tried to buy outfits for the Shadowhunter.

Shopping drained the Shadowhunter of all his energy.

It had been worse than going on patrol with Jace when he was bored.

And that say everything.

 

_“You’re an all-powerful warlock who can summon demons._

_You’ve lived through centuries of war._

_And you’re immortal. What scares you?”_

_“The key to having no fear is… having nothing to lose. I don’t know. I guess that’s why I haven’t… opened my heart up for almost 100 years._

_And then I met you”_

 

 

The immortality discussion came up even after that day.

It was hard to think that one day he would have died leaving Magnus in pain, and Magnus was sad that after finally found his soulmate (because he was sure too) he couldn’t get old with him.

However, they talked about this and decided that now was their moment, and they would have lived it with all they had.

Even after death, because true love cannot die, right?

 

**From Samaritan to sin**

**And it's waiting on the air**

Alec turned to the wardrobe and opened it.

Trying to find something that was not colorful was hard as hell, Magnus loved colors.

But after moving in with him the older man made space in the wardrobe for the runed boy.

Alec never took his black shirt.

Instead, he was intoxicated by Magnus’ decorated, elegant, so full-of-life shirts.

He took one in his hand and smelled the familiar sandalwood shampoo scent on it.

 

 

**Instrumental**

 

 

“Is the plan clear to everyone? The first who will mention Magnus will be dead, dead, dead...Seelie queen style” everyone nodded seriously _._

“Yes Izzy, can we enter now? We have to help Alec and your twelve inches of heels are in my way”

“Love you too Jace”

Izzy pulled out the keys but founding out that the door was open.

“Who doesn’t close the door of his home?

Clary looked at Simon and explained

“Magnus told me that he leaved the door open for Alec in these past month, and because he lost his keys centuries ago”

“Aww that’s so sweet”

“I know Simon, c’mon”

When they entered the loft only the silence welcomed them.

A heavy, painful, intoxicating silence.

The loft seemed _off,_ since the last time they stayed here _._

Like if something ripped away all the joy and happiness and warmth from every piece of furniture, every little detail.

Izzy took his whip just in case and walked slowly into the apartment.

“Alec?”

The squad walked through the living room in silence, with cautious movements and worrying for Alec.

“Maybe he’s sleeping”

“I think he slept enough, I’m sure he’s already doing research on where the hell Sebastian took them”

“JACE”

“I didn’t mention him!-ough!”

Suddenly a sob and a pain through Jace’s parabatai rune stopped their whispering chatting.

Izzy leads the squad towards the rumor, bringing them to Alec and Magnus’ bedroom.

“Alec-“

They stopped at the door as Alec looked up at them, sitting on the floor with tears streaming down his face, sobbing uncontrollably.

“Oh Alec”

Izzy walked towards him until she was beside him.

“Come here”

She took him into his arms completely, like as she wanted to protect his big brother from all the waves of pain that were arriving at his brother every second.

Alec broke down.

He held on Magnus’ shirt like it was all he had – because that was all he had now – and squeezed the omamori in the other hand, while – thanks to Isabelle’s shirt - suffocated screaming were coming out of his mouth.

Izzy gently run her fingers through his black messy hair

“I- I miss him Iz”

“I know, everything’s gonna be alright, I’m here, we’re here”

Then she waved his hand to Jace and the other, a sign to give them a few minutes alone.

 

 

**From the summer to the spring**

**From the mountain to the air**

After almost 10 minutes of crying Alec calmed a little.

“Do you want to shower? I’ll help you c’mon”

They moved to the bathroom; Izzy removed his t-shirt and black jeans while keeping his brother up against her body and trying not to hurt his arm or other parts where Alec was still recovering.

“While you take a shower I’ll go wait in the bedroom and take some clothes for you okay?”

Alec nodded and then looked at her whispering, “thank you Iz” with a hoarse voice.

“We will get him back Alec, that’s a fuckin’ promise”

 She leaned to put a kiss on his forehead and then went out.

Izzy was worried; she never saw her brother destroyed like that before, not when he and jace fought a few month ago or when he discovered about she, Raphael and the addiction to yin fen… not even when Magnus and Alec had the first big fight a few weeks ago with the Seelie queen bitch and the Soul Sword mistake.

She hoped and prayed Raziel that Magnus was still alive, although she could not think of what her brother would become.

Because if Jace was half of his soul, Magnus was half of his heart now.

 

**From samaritan to sin**

**And it's waiting on the air**

 

After other 10 minutes, Alec came out with a fluffy Bordeaux golden pattern bathrobe.

At Izzy’s raised eyebrow, he asked “What?”

“Nothing…is that a love rune?” she pointed at Alec’s heart with the golden rune printed on his bathrobe trying to contain her laughter.

Alec blushed looking down at the robe trying to change the subjects, but failing.

“….he liked to say that it was big enough for two and-”

“… I like the golden runes, especially when for us the gold means something _more_ ”

Alec became red and Izzy laughed and then helped him to get dressed and to get into bed comfortably.

Then, from the thousands of pillows around him, with an already sleepy voice and closed eyes, like he was already dreaming that moment said “I’m gonna marry him one day Iz”

 **“** I hope that day I’ll be the maid of honor my sweet grumpy cat because I can’t wait” she whispered into his ear and then ruffled his hair sweetly, Alec already asleep.

 

**Come on, come on**

**Put your hands into the fire**

**Come on, come on**

 

As Izzy came out of the bedroom, the squad stood up from the couches.

Jace made his way through the others impatiently “how is he?”

Izzy sighed heavily looking at the floor for a moment moving two strand of hair behind her ears.

“Not fine, I never saw him broken like that and I-I’m scared **-“**  Simon came to hug her trying to instill some calm in her, not only for her brother’s situation but even for Raphael and Izzy repaid with the same gesture for Simon.

Clary did the same with Jace and he hugged her back, thinking of Luke.

Then Jace composed himself and looked to his left.

“Well what are we waiting for? Everybody follow me in Magnus’ library and search every fuckin’ page about what we’ve seen at the institute, Clary call Catarina and see if she knows something about Magnus that we don’t know about his demon part, Izzy call Lydia and tell her if she had find out the type of flames or smell on Alec’s arm”

Everyone nodded and run to do their job, Simon taking and posing on the table and even on the carpet every book on demons and their realm, hell and everything related, starting to read and write.

Clary in the kitchen making some soup for Alec while talking to Catarina.

Jace looked at Izzy, still frozen in her place “Alec will be better Iz, he just needed to break down and let everything out"

Izzy nodded and Jace run to the library and help Simon.

Izzy stopped just for a second at the bedroom door where Alec was sleeping and then took the phone to call Lydia.

Everything would be fine, they would fight with tooth and nails to get them back.

They would have raised Hell and Heaven if necessary.

**Author's Note:**

> well? opinions? comments? should i find a repair from your tomatoes?  
> if you are continuing to read this series, thank you.  
> if you have the goals to read it till the end, thank u with all my heart.
> 
> I may have some key words spoiler for the next one shot: Raphael, Edom, Power couple Malec, stupid Shadowhunters.  
> see you next saturday (or maybe later, school is killing me)  
> leave comment and let me know your opinions!


End file.
